Shit envy

SHIT ENVY

Robin Rosenberg Spence

Freud was wrong. I don't have penis envy. I love my vagina: its shape, it's warmth, it's mysteries, it's aroma and the miracle of allowing me to birth my two children.

Don't get me wrong, penises are nice. Most of the time they have a nice shape, and the symmetry of one hanging with testicles behind it makes a lovely display.

But I do not have penis envy, I have shit envy.

I have had regular bowel movements most of my life. For as long as I could remember, every day or occasionally every other day, a six inch turd, kind of bumpy, would appear in the toilet and that would be it. I was only vaguely aware of constipation because my grandmother would ask me in the morning if I had a bowel movement and if  I hadn't yet evacuated, and if I hadn't, she would feed me stewed prunes.

My sister had once confided to me that she only pooped a couple of times a week and that confession shocked me until I gave birth to my first child. The hemorrhoids felt like a cauliflower between my legs and it was quite a few days before I was willing to sit on the toilet again.

After a while things became pretty regular again, ( pun intended) even with a redundant colon that liked to hold stool in the right turn of my bowels.

During my first marriage, I became aware of the “fact” that maybe my stools were not “ normal” when my oh so kind husband actually made fun of my turds.  I never looked at his to see what he was talking about.

When I got together with Richard, I did notice something though. Not only did he almost always have to use the bathroom after a cup of coffee or a high fiber meal, but because  he has a habit of using the toilet before a shower, not flushing, and then forgetting to flush after the shower, I often come across his turds when I go to pee after his shower. And, oh my god…..8, 10, 12 inch turds, smooth as a baby's bottom, sometimes curling along the diameter of the bowl.

What the hell??!!!

The stuff I had to use before my colonoscopy didn't produce that much stool. I can eat benefiber and prunes for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I still won't produce that much stool. And lately to add insult to injury, I have had less production and regularity.

Health professionals and other women have shared this male vs female phenomena  with me and assure me it is normal.

And so, in the end, Freud is wrong. I don't have penis envy. I want an 8 inch shit, not an 8” dick. I have shit envy.